Gibburt

Dear fellow Londoners,

According to the latest opinion polls, it would seem that almost half of you currently favour Tory candidate Boris Johnson in the upcoming mayoral elections. You do realise, I hope, that if you elect Johnson, he will actually become Mayor of London? And get to take important decisions? Yes? OK, just checking.

Why I’m asking? Well, after all, he has become famous not for having achieved anything of substance in politics, but mostly for his offensive rhetoric (like calling black people “piccaninnies” or accusing Liverpudlians of a “deeply unattractive psyche”) and his clownish demeanour on various TV panel shows. Perhaps this inanity lends him the same “man of the people” touch that has been George W. Bush’s greatest personal asset. Just like with Dubya, however, who hails from a rich and powerful Ivy League dynasty, this impression is fake: Johnson was educated at Eton, a public school whose fees exceed most Brits’ annual incomes.

But let’s not focus too much on his background and past utterances – quoting Johnson verbatim constitutes slander anyway – and instead take a look at what he’s got planned for London. Just a quick browse through his manifesto on transport reveals that most of his proposals have either already been implemented (like investigations into air conditioning for the tube and rephasing traffic lights) or are completely and utterly stupid. For instance, Johnson wants live CCTV on buses – without, of course, specifying who’s actually going to monitor all of those thousands of cameras. He wants to abolish the £25 congestion charge for the most polluting cars, claiming it hits “families and small businesses”, which, of course, all own 4×4s or sports cars. Utility companies digging up roads are supposed to be fined when they overrun their schedules, because getting to work on time is obviously more important than having water and electricity. Perhaps worst of all, he wants to commission “21st Century Routemasters”, modeled after the dangerous open-backed buses that have now fortunately been removed from London’s streets, even though the current fleet is perfectly adequate. It goes almost without saying that he has no idea how to pay for this project, not to mention the wages of hundreds of new conductors who would have to be hired.

I know you will never give Green candidate Siân Berry a chance, but can’t we at least all agree to keep Ken Livingstone in office? You’ll still be able to watch Johnson make a fool of himself on telly, I promise!

Filed under: Politics by Ralf Damaschke